Sartor Resartus: The Life and Opinions of Herr Teufelsdröckh Read online

  CHAPTER VI. APRONS.

  One of the most unsatisfactory Sections in the whole Volume is thaton _Aprons_. What though stout old Gao, the Persian Blacksmith, "whoseApron, now indeed hidden under jewels, because raised in revolt whichproved successful, is still the royal standard of that country;" whatthough John Knox's Daughter, "who threatened Sovereign Majesty that shewould catch her husband's head in her Apron, rather than he should lieand be a bishop;" what though the Landgravine Elizabeth, with many otherApron worthies,--figure here? An idle wire-drawing spirit, sometimeseven a tone of levity, approaching to conventional satire, is tooclearly discernible. What, for example, are we to make of such sentencesas the following?

  "Aprons are Defences; against injury to cleanliness, to safety, tomodesty, sometimes to roguery. From the thin slip of notched silk (asit were, the emblem and beatified ghost of an Apron), which somehighest-bred housewife, sitting at Nurnberg Work-boxes and Toy-boxes,has gracefully fastened on; to the thick-tanned hide, girt round himwith thongs, wherein the Builder builds, and at evening sticks histrowel; or to those jingling sheet-iron Aprons, wherein your otherwisehalf-naked Vulcans hammer and smelt in their smelt-furnace,--is therenot range enough in the fashion and uses of this Vestment? How muchhas been concealed, how much has been defended in Aprons! Nay, rightlyconsidered, what is your whole Military and Police Establishment,charged at uncalculated millions, but a huge scarlet-colored,iron-fastened Apron, wherein Society works (uneasily enough); guardingitself from some soil and stithy-sparks, in this Devil's-smithy(_Teufels-schmiede_) of a world? But of all Aprons the most puzzlingto me hitherto has been the Episcopal or Cassock. Wherein consists theusefulness of this Apron? The Overseer (_Episcopus_) of Souls, I notice,has tucked in the corner of it, as if his day's work were done: whatdoes he shadow forth thereby?" &c. &c.

  Or again, has it often been the lot of our readers to read such stuff aswe shall now quote?

  "I consider those printed Paper Aprons, worn by the Parisian Cooks, asa new vent, though a slight one, for Typography; therefore as anencouragement to modern Literature, and deserving of approval: nor is itwithout satisfaction that I hear of a celebrated London Firm havingin view to introduce the same fashion, with important extensions, inEngland."--We who are on the spot hear of no such thing; and indeedhave reason to be thankful that hitherto there are other vents forour Literature, exuberant as it is.--Teufelsdrockh continues: "If suchsupply of printed Paper should rise so far as to choke up the highwaysand public thoroughfares, new means must of necessity be had recourseto. In a world existing by Industry, we grudge to employ fire as adestroying element, and not as a creating one. However, Heaven isomnipotent, and will find us an outlet. In the mean while, is it notbeautiful to see five million quintals of Rags picked annually from theLaystall; and annually, after being macerated, hot-pressed, printed on,and sold,--returned thither; filling so many hungry mouths by the way?Thus is the Laystall, especially with its Rags or Clothes-rubbish, thegrand Electric Battery, and Fountain-of-motion, from which and towhich the Social Activities (like vitreous and resinous Electricities)circulate, in larger or smaller circles, through the mighty, billowy,storm-tost chaos of Life, which they keep alive!"--Such passages fillus, who love the man, and partly esteem him, with a very mixed feeling.

  Farther down we meet with this: "The Journalists are now the true Kingsand Clergy: henceforth Historians, unless they are fools, must writenot of Bourbon Dynasties, and Tudors and Hapsburgs; but of StampedBroad-sheet Dynasties, and quite new successive Names, according asthis or the other Able Editor, or Combination of Able Editors, gains theworld's ear. Of the British Newspaper Press, perhaps the most importantof all, and wonderful enough in its secret constitution and procedure, avaluable descriptive History already exists, in that language, under thetitle of _Satan's Invisible World Displayed_; which, however, by searchin all the Weissnichtwo Libraries, I have not yet succeeded in procuring(_vermochte night aufzutreiben_)."

  Thus does the good Homer not only nod, but snore. Thus doesTeufelsdrockh, wandering in regions where he had little business,confound the old authentic Presbyterian Witchfinder with a new,spurious, imaginary Historian of the _Brittische Journalistik_; and sostumble on perhaps the most egregious blunder in Modern Literature!